If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
