I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
