and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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