I met the friendliest cop last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
