If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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