DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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