Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't turn off my feet"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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