just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
