The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
