Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
