Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
