just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
