Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
