This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
