Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
