He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
