so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
