I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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