My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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