my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he fucked my hip out of place.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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