I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
