I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
