whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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