We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
