i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
