i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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