we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
