i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
