My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
