In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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