Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
