dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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