So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
3pm strippers are depressing
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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