and next time when you feel me up, do it right
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
