something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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