There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
