Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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