just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
