I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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