remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
