I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i think my cat just said my name.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
