Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
