if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
