I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
