You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
