I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
