my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
