This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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