You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
