fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
